"Where is my faith? Even deep down there is nothing but emptiness and darkness... If there be God--please forgive me."

Are these the words of a faithful, yet doubting Christian? Or the words of an atheist? Perhaps the writings of one who is attempting to reject the idea of God?

I do not have the answer. But, I can tell you who wrote them. Recently, a series of letters and personal writings of Mother Teresa, compiled by the Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk, have been made public. The above quotation was written shortly after she began work in the slums of Calcutta. Antagonists of the Roman Catholic Church and outspoken atheists have been quick to point out Mother Teresa's lack of faith--making claims that she was an atheist all along being used by the Church. (see interview here )

I, however, find the quotations refreshing. And, if that is what an atheist is, count me in.

"What do I labor for?"she asked in one letter."If there be no God, there can be no soul. If there be no soul then, Jesus, You also are not true."

And, yet, labor on, she did. "Such deep longing for God. Repulsed, empty, no faith, no love, no zeal,"she said on a different occassion.

Mother Teresa's words remind me of many of the writings from saints of old. If we read carefully, we can see the deep faith amongst the honest questioning. Saints do not exist blissfully enjoying the fallen world around them, but rather participate in God's work despite the doubts that exist in their midst. The ancient anonymous author of The Cloud of Unknowing wrote: "Try as you might, this darkness and this cloud will remain between you and your God. You will feel frustrated, for your mind will be unable to grasp him, and your heart will not relish the delight of his love. But learn to be at home in this darkness. Return to it as often as you can, letting your spirit cry out to him whom you love. For if, in this life, you hope to feel and see God as he is in himself it must be within this darkness and this cloud."(Johnston, William, Editor. The Cloud of Unknowing and the Book of Privy Counseling. New York: Image Books, 1996. 49). Augustine in Confessions speaks of doubt simply as a counterpoint to faith, rather than something that exists in opposition to faith.

Other Christians in different time periods have dealt with doubt differently. The Victorians, for various reasons (German mythic theology and other philosphical movements, the advancement in science, debates within the church are among only a few) felt betrayed by a religion that emphasized that which was unknown. Matthew Arnold wrote, "Still, what we need for our foundation is not Aberglaube, but Glaube; not extra-belief in what is beyond the range of possible experience, but belief in what can and should be known to be true." Yet, before he is viewed as rejecting Christianity as he rejects the supernatural aspects of it, he also wrote, "To the Bible men will return; and why? Because they cannot do without it. Because happiness is our being's end and aim, and happiness belongs to righteousness, and righteousness is revealed in the Bible." (Arnold, Matthew. Literature and Dogam: An Essay Towards a Better Apprehension of the Bible. New York: A.L. Burt Co., 1929. 361, 330.) Likewise, Basil Wiley quotes Francis W. Newman (John Henry Newman's brother), "'Of course, then,'he makes an imaginary reader say,'you gave up Christianity?' 'Far from it,' he retorts,'I gave up all that was clearly untenable, and clung the firmer to all that still appeared sound.' Those who believe that the apostles might err in human science, need not the less revere their moral and spiritual wisdom." (Willey, Basil. More Nineteenth Century Studies: A Group of Honest Doubters. London:Chatto and Windus, 1956. 28).

In the end, it is for God to judge who among his Church are faithful. Yet, I think it is troublesome to mistake doubt for atheism. And the atheists do this as often as the Christians. We are quick to snub those who voice their doubts and flatter those who make it seem as though their resting place is never far from the rock. The Church should be a place to voice questions, encourage one another in our doubt, and recognize that we do not understand the ways of God. I certainly take encouragement in the doubts that have been raised before me and hope that we too can voice those doubts and in them find our faith.

As Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote in In Memorium,"There lives more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds."

(Mother Teresa quotations taken from http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/08/23/eveningnews/main3199062.shtml )